In about two weeks, I will be thirty years old.
While reflecting on the past decade and where it has led me, I wanted to write down some of the main things I learned about life and career choices.
Inded up with a short list of lessons that I want to share with you.
First, let me just say: turning 30 is weird.
In your twenties, you can keep up the illusion that you’re not really a grown-up yet. Some of your friends get fancy jobs and wear a suit, and others f%ck off to Bali.
Everyone’s just kinda doing what feels right to them, and it seems it will stay that way forever.
At thirty, you are no longer a kid. There is no denying it. Your friends are now PhDs and Doctors. Many have babies and move away.
My twenties did not exactly go according to plan (I’m guessing most people feel this way to an extent).
Many of you will know this, but I spent several years in my early twenties struggling with an eating disorder. That was a particularly rough start.
Then, when I turned twenty-seven, something hit me:
Turning thirty will be exactly as heavy or light as the sum of the decisions and actions of my twenties.
And I still had three years left to tip the scales. So I promised myself to make the most of the opportunity.
Well, the results are in, and they are… mixed.
I did some things right, and many things that, had I understood them earlier, I would have done differently.
No matter, I did learn a lot — and I’ve compiled those learnings here.
You’ll notice that many of them are related to achievement. That’s partly because I’m in a season of my life where professional success is central.
I’m also an ambitious person, which, in the age of participation trophies, is important to state out loud. Because it’s obvious to me that achievement is a necessary part of a fulfilling life — whether we, as a culture, want to admit it or not.
These are the top ten lessons from my twenties.
1. Figure out what game you’re playing. In life, you’re only a player in a handful of games. In all other games, you are merely a spectator. Until you figure out exactly which is which, you will be insecure, unfocused, and unhappy. There is a great book to help guide you in this process called Wanting by Luke Burgis. He also writes a newsletter.
In life, the challenge is not so much to figure out how best to play the game; the challenge is to figure out what game you’re playing.’ — Kwame Anthony Appiah
2. Don’t chase shortcuts. The longer path is actually faster. This is always true. Always. When someone appears to have found a shortcut, they are either a fraud or you’re not seeing the full story. The only way to make progress is to accept the longer path and get to work. That is the shortcut. On the other hand, don’t make the longer path longer than it needs to be. Alex Hormozi calls this “dragging your future by the balls into the present”.
3. Don’t commit too early. The path you set for yourself in your early twenties will have big implications later. Be very picky. Don’t work on something just because you think you have to “put in the work”. If it’s not truly worth your time, you’re better off staying uncommitted, open, and free.
4. Don’t commit too late, either. After 25, time materializes on a linear path and starts accelerating. This has several implications. Any substantial time investment, like getting a degree, becomes more difficult to commit to. If you want kids, especially as a woman, you won’t have time for that many trial-and-error relationships before you have to settle down with someone. Don’t get stuck in exploration mode.
5. Find your people. Following your own path doesn’t have to be lonely. It’s just a matter of finding your people. That won’t happen automatically though — you have to go out and find them. The best thing to do is to actually move to a place where people are more like you. The second best is to find them on the Internet:
“Writing and posting online is really just a way for introverts to network”
— Unknown.
6. Just do the thing. Sometimes, the thing you are fantasizing about is exactly as amazing as you think. You won’t know until you actually do it. The first thing I did to make the most of my late twenties was move to the Alps for a winter to pursue my passion for skiing. Before then, I had made up a bunch of reasons why I couldn’t do this when in reality, I was just scared.
7. Uncover the hand that is pulling your strings. The sooner you figure out who or what is driving your behavior, the sooner you can take control of your life. This is not only true for people who had a drunken father or some horrible incident growing up. Most of us have what’s called little ‘t’ trauma. Therapy can help here. Also, a “heroic dose” of psilocybin.
Sigmund Freud: “No one could be a man unless his father had died”.
Carl Jung: “Yes, but that death can take place symbolically”.
8. Do what you want, not what you “should”. When deciding what to do with your life, don’t think about what is most strategic. Just do what you actually want. You will “outwork” everyone else for one simple reason: you’re the only one who isn’t working. And you wake up excited every day, which is kind of a big deal. The most common regret of people on their deathbed is realizing they lived someone else’s life. Don’t be one of them.
9. Build valuable skills. It turns out there actually is an answer to the question, “What is the secret to success?” The answer is (drumroll please)… skills! To get what you want in life, you need cold hard skills. What can you actually do? What problems can you solve? It sounds simple. But the more practical, valuable skills you can build, the more success you’ll find.
“You can have anything you want — if you just figure out how to get enough other people what they want”.
– Zig Ziglar
10. Allow yourself to be “happy” along the way. The biggest regret of my 20s is spending so much of it making myself miserable. Notice I didn’t say being miserable. Because no matter the outside circumstances, I control my reactions to them. So what if things didn’t go according to plan? Yes, learn from the situation and find motivation to do better. But don’t waste your enjoyment of the present by clinging to what could have been. The Stoics and Buddhists figured this out thousands of years ago so you don’t have to. And never forget:
“Whoever has the most fun, wins”
— Unknown
Final Thoughts
Obviously, life doesn’t end here.
On balance, I like getting older. It’s nice to “get” life more and more. And I swear to you, when those gray hairs start showing in my beard, I will be the handsomest-looking dude you’ve ever seen.
My path so far has not been the one I expected. But that just means it will take slightly longer to get to where I want.
Trust me when I say, I will never give up on that pursuit. Ever. And I hope this serves as a reminder for you, dear reader, to do the same.
Life is both long and short. You have time. But only if you do something with it.
Don’t wait.