Envy is often dismissed as something negative.
Like an undesirable personality trait that must be washed away.
It’s not surprising.
Christianity and its tenth commandment; “Thy shalt not covet” – meaning to not want or be jealous of something someone else has – is still the backdrop of Western culture. We’re conditioned from day one.
Another reason is that envy inherently feels bad.
From a biological perspective, it’s not a positive (reward-associated) signal.
But it is a strong signal. This alone should make us pause and think; to look at the root cause:
Why does envy feel bad?
The answer: desire.
Envy = Desire
Our culture makes envy appear negative because it focuses on the other person – wanting what they have.
It’s right there in the definition:
Envy: “the painful feeling of wanting what someone else has, like attributes or possessions.”
But it misses the point. It’s not about you wanting what someone else has because they have it. It’s that their having it illuminates your desire to have that same thing.
Envy is desire manifest. It shows you what you really want.
That means envy can be useful if understood and harnessed correctly.
There is one important caveat: while envy often points to a genuine desire, sometimes the underlying desire can be mimetic (i.e. external factors make you think you want something more than you intrinsically want it).
It’s critical to make the distinction.
Here’s an example:
Last night I watched Australian Masterchef (what can I say, I like cooking). One of the participants on the show had degrees from both Harvard and Stanford and now had a fancy career in finance. By all conventional standards, she is way more successful than me. And she’s my age.
Mimetically, this was the perfect storm. I was a good little boy in high school (for a while) and could theoretically have had a chance to get into those universities. My family could afford the tuition etc.
But I didn’t pursue that path. For a hot second, she became a beacon of what could have been. And I felt a tinge of envy.
This faded quickly, however. At this point, I know myself well enough to realize I’m not intrinsically motivated by money or conventional status games (but I do sometimes get caught up in them).
An opposite example is whenever I see someone my age (online or offline) who has accomplished my dream outcome:
Turned their unique talents and curiosities into a vehicle that makes $$$
A life full of interesting new experiences and people
Niche fame and respect for the mastery of their craft
Complete time freedom, etc.
… I often feel envy.
But this type of envy is not negative.
It’s reaffirming, telling me I truly want that.
Use Your Envy
Staying clueless about the meaning of envy will cause negative emotions that can have serious long-term consequences on your behavior, happiness, and life overall.
Understanding it will help you deal with those emotions head-on to either mitigate them (if the underlying desire is mimetic in nature) or take action on your genuine desires – both of which will improve your situation.
Instead of treating envy like a bad personality trait, you can dig deeper and start deciphering the desire behind it; if it’s worth pursuing, and what you need to do to either let go of or lean into it.
Here is the step-by-step process:
Identify and articulate the underlying desire of your envy
Figure out if it’s genuine. Ask yourself, “Would I still want this if I had all the money in the world?”, use the regret minimization framework, etc.
If NO → let go in peace. If YES → identify what is standing between you and what you desire, and seriously consider whether you are willing to pay the price.
If NO → let go in peace. If YES → devise a plan and get to work.
And the last step, of course, is to like this post and share it with your envious friends! ;)